Being chronically sick is a funny thing, no matter how sick I am there is part of me that always believes I'm going to wake up the next morning and be okay. I spend most of my days being "good" or "okay" fort he sake of other people, but I truly believe that someday I am going to be better. I've been in a weird limbo the past year because my health has kept decreasing, but I'm still convinced that I am okay so I make plans for my future. When I think of waking up tomorrow I never consider that it could be a bad day full of chest pain and shortness of breath, I always see a tomorrow where I can run and skip and just be okay.
It's a really weird thing to realize that I still see myself as the healthy(ier) me from my freshman year of college. I went through a lot of emotional stress my freshman year of college but my physical health was at a peak I hadn't seen and have yet to see again. I was not only exercising regularly, but I participated in outdoor activities with my friends, like playing frisby. I couldn't imagine being able to run after a little flying disk today without hurting myself. Part of me gets upset when I think about the things I was able to do then and how I can't do them now, but part of me is so proud of myself. I am so grateful to those memories and I hold them so close to my heart in the hopes of returning to a healthy place where I can run and play again.
I hold such a reckless sense of optimism for my future sometimes I question if I truly have accepted the means of my condition, or if I am keeping myself locked in a fairytale.
I am so desperate to be healthy again, I just feel like I'm running out of ways to get there.
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