Late night thoughts

Being chronically sick is a funny thing, no matter how sick I am there is part of me that always believes I'm going to wake up the next morning and be okay. I spend most of my days being "good" or "okay" fort he sake of other people, but I truly believe that someday I am going to be better. I've been in a weird limbo the past year because my health has kept decreasing, but I'm still convinced that I am okay so I make plans for my future. When I think of waking up tomorrow I never consider that it could be a bad day full of chest pain and shortness of breath, I always see a tomorrow where I can run and skip and just be okay.
It's a really weird thing to realize that I still see myself as the healthy(ier) me from my freshman year of college. I went through a lot of emotional stress my freshman year of college but my physical health was at a peak I hadn't seen and have yet to see again. I was not only exercising regularly, but I participated in outdoor activities with my friends, like playing frisby. I couldn't imagine being able to run after a little flying disk today without hurting myself. Part of me gets upset when I think about the things I was able to do then and how I can't do them now, but part of me is so proud of myself. I am so grateful to those memories and I hold them so close to my heart in the hopes of returning to a healthy place where I can run and play again.
I hold such a reckless sense of optimism for my future sometimes I question if I truly have accepted the means of my condition, or if I am keeping myself locked in a fairytale.

I am so desperate to be healthy again, I just feel like I'm running out of ways to get there.

Lets Start 2015 off right!

It’s finally happened; I am officially finished with the IV antibiotics for this round! I started IV’s on December 18^th and I finished January 16^th. It is a beautiful thing to be able to get a solid night’s sleep, and to shower regularly again. I also experienced something with my antibiotics this round that I hadn’t in the past and that is side effects. Usually when I am on IV antibiotics I am able to continue my life without much change other than my shortness of breath and coughing, but this time was different. I found that my energy level was always extremely low, and if I could I would sleep all day only to wake up for an hour or two and need a nap. It’s a really strange feeling going from feeling like you can do anything (even being sick) to feeling like you can’t get out of bed.

I was concerned about my energy level and I talked to my doctor and I was relieved when he told me that for the combination of antibiotics I was on that severe fatigue is common. My mind had wandered to the idea that I would be living the rest of my life exhausted, it’s a scary thing to face. I have only been off the medications for a day now, so I haven’t seen a real improvement on my energy levels but I am still optimistic. I am sure all I need is a few more nights of good sleep.

I am still super optimistic about the future! I am working towards some big goals to accomplish during 2015, some of those resolutions may just be happening and I can’t wait! I have two trips planned at the moment a very ambitious attempt at what is called a vacation but is going to be more of a work out than anything.  I will be traveling to Orlando Florida for the Expedition Everest run held at Disney’s Animal Kingdom Park on May 2^nd. I don’t have the official dates for that trip set in stone yet, hopefully a nice relaxing week of fun. And because you can never have too much Disney I will be traveling to Disneyland May 6^th – 11^th with one of my friends to complete the Pixie Dust Challenge. The Pixie Dust challenge is a Run Disney event that includes a 10k, and a half marathon run throughout the Disneyland Resort parks. My friend and I also opted to run the 5k the day before the challenge. It’s safe to say it will be a long weekend.  I also have a half marathon schedule in March, but I haven’t even started training yet. Hopefully I will be able to start walking and running again this week. I can’t wait to get my distance back up to where it should be and start working towards my running goals again!

I am really excited to start 2015 off on a healthier note. I hope to raise my PFT’s and my weight back to a healthy level again. It’s not going to be easy, but I know I can do it!